Here is a concrete example to understand. This example happens with a small child, but the exact same thing can happen with a larger child. Except that instead of a crying child, we will more often have a child who gets angry 😉.
Story “like the others” of a crying child
Small aperitif with friends, all is well, everyone gorges themselves on crisps, except the youngest whose parents do not want him to eat them. I hear someone say to him: “No! You don’t touch that. It’s for adults! “. The child insists, the tone becomes a little more authoritative “and say-so, what did I say to you? And the child bursts into tears. A crying child with real big tears of sadness. Some will think that he had only to obey, and that it is only a child having a whim.
However, he was not crying because he absolutely wanted to have a crisps. He was genuinely hurt the way we addressed him, which he interpreted as “they don’t like me”. It is not surprising, in his place, I would have done the same!
Imagine a yoga class. Everyone gets up to gain weight. You approach the cash register and someone from the group says “No, you don’t touch that, it’s for us”. You don’t understand, yet there seems to be something for everyone. You take one anyway, and the other snaps at you “hey say so, what did I tell you?” “. Frankly, there is enough to burst into tears (or call her a bitch, it’s up to you!). She would have told you nicely, explaining to you why, instead of giving you an order, it would have been different.
Without realizing it, we often address our child in an authoritarian and dry manner.
This Non ! dryness which comes out of our mouth in spite of ourselves, and which gives our child the feeling of being belittled, humiliated, even a feeling of injustice. Whereas in the end, most of the time, we could just phrase our sentence more nicely: “Unfortunately, you can’t take it. But come on, we’ll prepare you a raisin aperitif ”. And just by feeling understood, implied ” Yes, you have the right to want crisps, candies, a 4th round of the merry-go-round. I may not be able to respond to your request positively, but I do not blame you for wanting these things ”, our child feels less hurt, cries less, and accepts our refusal much more. Because he has less the impression that our refusal is “against him”.
Moreover, another way (sometimes simpler) to avoid answering him an authoritarian and dry “No”, at the origin of so many crying attacks in our child, is to simply explain to the child. the reason for our refusal.
If he understands the reason, then there will be a better chance of self-discipline next time. And if he does not understand rationally, he will perceive that our intonation is benevolent. In short, that there is a ‘meaning’ behind it.
Moreover, if you want to discover some keys to better communicate with your child (and without repeating yourself or shouting too much, which is not half of a challenge?), Do not hesitate to enter your email address below. below. I will then send you the PACK “YES DAD YES MOM” : All the keys to make them cooperate (without shouting) ! On the program: tips, ideas and easy-to-implement ideas to make a real difference at home. 👉
The more we talk to him nicely to refuse him a request, or to prevent him from doing something stupid, the more …
He will feel understood (I understand that you want …) ;
He will understand that we do not have no bad intentions (It’s not because I don’t love you that I’m telling you this, but because …) ;
He will not feel punished, humiliated, or submissive, since he is offered a friendly alternative (like the raisins he loves 😉).
We avoid create a conflict which would encourage the child to want to show that he is the strongest, and therefore to do the opposite of what he is told … He would then risk doing it again a few days later. Question of ego!
Result: we are very lucky to avoid having a child who cries, and especially much more luck that the next time, he asks us for a special aperitif raisins, rather than throwing himself on the crisps.
In short, life is so much cooler when you replace the authoritarian “no’s” with a little understanding, explanation, and positivism. A house with less crying and less struggles is so much nicer!
Comforting a crying child
Sometimes we realize afterwards that we have been a little harsh. We did not take the time to react with listening, kindness, explanation and understanding. And yes, we are human after all!
We can take the time to comfort him by giving a hug. And when calm has returned, we calmly come back to explain what prompted us to react like this: our emotions, the situation, the reasons … Finally, it can be a good opportunity to learn that we can be wrong and apologize, and strive to do better! (That’s good, children learn above all by imitation !!)
We want to thank the author of this article for this incredible content
How to avoid a good number of fits and crying in our child.