When our child’s behavior displeases us, what image of him before us? When we tell others about him, what do we tell them about him? Do we sometimes launch, even with humor: “He is unbearable”, “The sucker”, “I can’t take you any more! “?
Because even if these words are said with “lightness”, they reflect somewhat the image that we have of our children, at least at the moment when we say it. And this is important, because as my grandmother would say, we all tend to embody the image that others have of us …
Here is how our words can positively influence our child’s behavior:
We endorse the image that others have of us.
I remember a discussion with my grandmother (which for me embodied wisdom and altruism 😉 ), about his girlfriend Jacqueline who came to spend a week in the family home every year. One summer, I told her that I found Jacqueline much more radiant than the other years… That she spoke more at the table, that she had become funny… To which she replied: “It’s normal. , the whole family ended up accepting it. The way you greet him has changed. When a person feels accepted, they show the best of themselves. “
To tell the truth, it ties in with what one of my colleagues told me about her brother: “It’s incredible! My brother, when he was prospecting with his former employer, things were going really bad. They weren’t happy with him. He was struggling to achieve his goals. Then, he was hired by the competitor for the same job. They received him as the messiah, considered him hyper competent and he was a hit! Just a story of self-confidence, of images that our words gave of him and that he endorsed. “
We influence his behavior
Even if, in absolute terms, the ideal is to have enough self-confidence not to worry about the gaze of others. It is difficult to achieve this level of wisdom, even for an adult. In any case, our children are far from having sufficient maturity to do so. They have a strong tendency to conform to the image our words convey of them.
If we consider our child to be bad at music, it is unlikely that he will become strong, because he does not have the confidence to take a step back and tell himself that he can progress. He thinks he’s bad because that’s what he hears his parents say about him.
Another example, when we say and repeat to a child that he is unbearable (or that we make him understand by our attitude, by punishing him for example). He will tend to comfort himself in this image of a little devil and will have great difficulty seeing himself as a wise child and… adopting the behavior.
Our words influence our child’s behavior.
To begin with, if we say to a child: “You are not a lender”, we convince him that he is not a lender. When a friend of our child comes to see us to say: “Joy [notre enfant] she doesn’t want to lend her truck ”. We can answer her (knowing that our child can hear us): “Oh don’t worry, knowing Joy, I’m sure she’ll lend it to you.” Ask her when she wants to pass it to you ”. We then give ourselves much more chance so that our child ends up lending his truck.
If the teacher complains about my child’s behavior, that I am convinced that he is indeed unbearable and that I run into him that very evening to tell him : “I’m not happy, it seems that you are unbearable with Madame Patin, that will have to change”, I put it directly in a box and it will be difficult for him to get out. While asking him: “It seems that it did not go well with Madame Patin.” It surprises me, you who always want to cooperate… What happened? It doesn’t sound like you, I’m sure it will be better tomorrow ”. It becomes much more motivating for him to try to change. By showing him a positive self-image, we give him the strength to change and move towards this positive attitude.
Beware of behavioral conditioning
One day, someone pointed out to us that Leon was sulking from time to time. We had never had this image of him and yet when we looked at it, it was true. The fact of not having this image of “Leon sulky” allows us to react positively when he begins to pout. A little grimace, a joke and we easily defuse the situation. If we had this image of him, of a Leon who sulks all the time, we would certainly react differently. With words, even affectionate (“Leon, my little sausage, my professional sulky”), we put a label on it. We lock him in this sulky role.
So how do you give him a positive image of himself?
The more your child has a positive image of himself, the more fulfilling your relationship will be.
As an aside, if you want to gradually adopt a more positive education, and to cooperate with him knowing how to use shouts or punishments, we have prepared a special cooperation PACK for you with lots of tips. To receive free, do not hesitate to leave us your e-mail below!
First of all, to give him a good image of himself, you obviously have to change the way you look at your child.
For this, we can practice a real little gymnastics of the mind. For example, by practicing daily picking up what our child has done that is positive, rather than just seeing the things that are wrong (see exercise 30 minutes are enough to offer our children to be happy until the age of 90).
So, when the teacher reproaches us for the bad behavior of our child, when we have spent a difficult day with him we will be able to have the necessary hindsight to tell ourselves that, even if at this moment our child is difficult on a point, he is overall a very beautiful person and that we trust him to overcome this temporary problem.
Moreover, as we had seen in a previous article, assume that if the my child’s behavior is negative is that he is behind a deeper cause, a possible discomfort, or a negative emotion that we need to understand. Rather than treating the symptom, let’s treat the cause. To do this, we still need to take the time to seek it out and understand it.
Understand his behavior to help him change.
Not to mention a revolution. If we want to help our child to change behviour, to get out of his status of “child not lender” for example, let’s observe all the times he lends and note these gestures with him: “Look how pleased Julie is that you lend him your game! You know, that doesn’t surprise me about you, I find that you lend a lot at the moment ”. Let’s give it a “child lender” image rather than the other way around.
Imagine… You’ve always been told that you are selfish… And then you come to an environment where… In the space of a week, three people say to you “It’s so nice of you to have done that. It’s so generous on your part “or” It is so pleasant to be received by someone so generous and so rare! “. It would make you want to take on and persevere in this role, right?
And finally, let’s pay attention to the way we call our children, let’s avoid giving them small names with negative connotations. Even for fun: “the turtle”, “the hyper active”, “the scum”, “the glutton”, etc. Even if it is not said badly, by repeating it it locks up our child in negative behavior.
And then if we, his parents, do not believe in our child’s wealth, who will believe it?
Cool Parents Make Happy Kids
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My child’s behavior: how can I easily improve it?